Not That Sick

Not That Sick
This is the rebuttal you will offer to anyone who claims you have a problem. After all there are others who are much worse. Those emaciated skeletons who are visibly ill. At a glance no one can tell there is anything wrong with you. How could someone who looks so healthy be struggling with a life threatening mental illness? Years and years of suffering with an eating disorder and yet I still manage to convince myself that I do not belong in treatment because my disorder is not really “that bad”. Despite the fact that loved ones have repeatedly voiced concern, I sometimes feel like a failure on the eating disorder spectrum. Even when it comes to mental illness I cannot manage to make a commitment. For the past nine years I have boomeranged between starving, binging and purging. Instead of fitting into a nice diagnosis of Anorexia or Bulimia, I get to be the indecisive one. When someone doesn’t fit into the cozy criteria of these disorders, professionals refer to it as an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). Never have I been the skeletal goddess with a thigh gap, jutting ribcage and 00 jeans. After nine years of abusing my body I have yet to reach this desired level of “sickness”. I know this probably does not make much sense to anyone who has never had an eating disorder. If you have never had an eating disorder you are probably asking yourself “why on earth would anyone want to be consumed by a disease”. There are parts of my story that I am able to articulate very clearly, but this is not one of them. Recovery is for those much sicker than me. If I needed help then I would look much worse. The scale would be a reflection of my disease. The ones who say otherwise are clearly misguided. These are all excuses I tell myself, because the alternative is much worse. If I am sick enough to get help then I have been lying to myself all along. What do you believe when you cannot even trust yourself?

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