Irreplaceable

Sometimes I get in the mood to write but struggle to come up with a topic. My search for writing prompts led me to this.

Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

For over two years I held on to the items I had no use for. Inside a storage container in my living room, the last remaining items I had purchased for my son sat untouched day after day. Brand new clothes, blankets, and tiny Simba slippers had no use without the baby they were purchased for. Useless, but still present; I lacked the ability to part with them. I bought each item in the container in preparation for my son’s arrival. Every time I bought a new outfit for him, I visualized what he would look like when wearing the outfit. I was ready to wrap my baby in a warm new blanket and welcome life into the world. All of the “things” inside that storage bin were more than just “things”, they were the image I envisioned of my baby. I held onto the “things” because I could no longer hold on to Evan. In my mind, discarding his clothes meant getting rid of all I had left of my son. From time to time I would pick up each article of clothing and think back to the joy it brought me the day I purchased it. After I had gone through them all, I would place the lid back on the container and close the lid on Evan’s memory. I made the decision to give all of Evan’s things to one of my coworkers. She was a new mom and I knew she would be appreciative. I had wrestled with the idea of donating the items for a while. I feel selfish in admitting that I could not bring myself to give my memories to a stranger. I held on to them until I found a way to be at peace with giving them away. I messaged her to make sure that she would feel comfortable receiving them. It’s not every day that a bereaved mother offers you her deceased child’s belongings. I know without a doubt that I made the right decision in my choice of who to give Evan’s things to. It was a difficult choice, but it was the right choice. I decided to give her Evan’s things because I knew it was time to let go of them. I can never replace those items any more than I can replace Evan.

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