The beginning

It is not uncommon to personify an eating disorder, although I have read that most people refer to their disease as a male. In my mind, Ana is very much female. Ana and I met when I was 13, and have ever since been inseparable. Anyone who says that love at first sight does not exist, has clearly never met Ana. I was introduced to Ana by a couple of mutual friends. They led me to believe that Ana would help me become a better person. Ana is the best liar you will ever meet, but by the time you realize she is full of bullshit, you will be too far gone.

Okay, perhaps I am being too harsh. There will definitely be times throughout the relationship when I was extremely grateful. Despite her flaws, you can’t question her loyalty. People will turn their backs on you, but Ana never will. In fact, even if you somehow manage to shut her out, she will always be waiting with arms wide open to welcome you back. Power and control are the two things she desires most, and she will stop at nothing to gain 

I guess I could make up some dramatic story right here. I could convince you that my family was very insensitive. I could tell you that they called me a fatso and lots of other  derogatory terms until my self esteem was completely shattered, but I cannot lie.  I had an incredible childhood. I was born into a great family with two loving parents who made sure their kids were provided for…. until my mom got sick.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10. As shitty as it may be, the majority of my memories of her are accompanied with hospitals and cancer treatments. She lost her fight in 2006.  She taught me the importance of fighting for what you believe in. As soon as she left me I met Ana. Ana taught me that no matter what I lost, I could always have control with her. She neglected to tell me that I would actually be giving up all independence to her, and that I may never truly recover.



Penatrating blue eyes stare at me over my job application. The man sitting before me could potentially be my employer and for some reason my mind has begun to slip into an inappropriate place. Who knew an interview could be so arousing? Would it really be so bad if we fucked right here on this very table? He’s staring at me again. Shit. I didn’t respond to his question. God he looks so delicious. Like that warm buttery popcorn behind us in the concession stand. If he were the popcorn I would devour the whole bag and then lick the sticky remains from my finger tips. The tie he is wearing would feel better if it was wrapped around my throat If only he would move push me to my knees and shove his cock down my throat. He clears his throat. Oops guess I dazed off again. “So you’ll start tomorrow”. I wouldn’t find out until months later that my shirt had perhaps been a little too low cut and he had been staring at my nipples throughout the whole interview.


A fisher: that’s what they’ll call you. A pathetic excuse for a human being. Always looking for a compliment. The name seems so realistic, but yet so far from what I am. I never intended to be that girl. Fuck your compliments. They do not define me. I define me. I am nothing you see. Just me. I don’t know when or how I became so fragile. The inner self laughs at my dispare. I have never been the girl to rely upon others compliments, but yet that is what I have become. A wayward soul. Don’t get attached, but yet you still dare. Ha. Loner by choice. I think not.
Run before you are pushed away