Springtime Sadness

March 9th,
Warm weather has the ability to transform me into a completely different person. I absolutely despise winter with a passion that consumes my soul. The first day of warmth when I can rock the aviators and shorts is always a wonderful day. Today was a truly beautiful day, but in the midst of my excitement, I found sadness. I have discovered that grief has the ability to sneak up on you when you least expect it. I am a little more than 2 months away from the anniversary of my child’s death. 22 months later and the pain is still just as real. Though everyone around me has moved on or forgotten, I am left to grieve alone. Time will never ease pain, but I am finding that grief comes to you differently. I would be lying to say that Evan is the first thing I think about every day, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I would be lying to say I don’t see newborn pictures on Facebook and get envious, but know that my likes and comments are sincere. The time hop app is especially hard to look at right now. Two years ago I was embracing the warm weather and preparing for life as a mother. Evan taught me to stand up for my beliefs and to fight for what is important to me. Life for me was forever changed because of my child. I am reminded of him on the sunniest days and the coldest nights. On the best days and the worst days, Evan is my heart. The loss of a child is a lifelong journey. It is a journey that you never think about taking until you’re on the path. It was 75 degrees today, but a piece of my heart will forever remain frozen. 

 

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The Truth about Deception

The truth about deception 
Trust is a glass chalice 
An intricate, fragile object that must be handled 
with extreme care. 
A select few are given the opportunity to hold 
the chalice. 
Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, the 
chalice will break. 
It will be shattered into a million shards when a 
lie is revealed. 
Deception has the ability to break even the 
most durable Chalice. 
Once broken, there is no way to escape injury
from the glass.
We can choose to walk away in hopes that the 
cuts will eventually heal themselves.
The only other option is to attempt to somehow 
fit the broken pieces into something of value 
again.
Perhaps this is due to a belief in second 
chances
Or perhaps we have grown far too familiar with 
this type of pain

Things I never expected to learn about pregnancy.

And there it is the ultimate fate… A stick purchased from a Walmart in a different county at 4 am because heaven forbid someone you know runs into you while you’re buying a pregnancy test…
So there it is… Your fate determined… 20… Unwed… And pregnant. 
There will be no tears shed, because you aren’t exactly sad… Nor will you freak out… Did you want this… No way… But you realize that you can’t do anything about the situation now
You tell the father… He tells you to get an abortion… You politely tell him ” you’ll have to kill me first”
My sons life was more important to me than anyone’s opinion even at that point.
So you do it… Everyone thinks you’re really brave.. They are weirdly supportive… Except for sperm donor obviously…
You here a country music song called ” the secret ” about a guy that loses his girl and baby… You think that has to be the worst thing ever…
What you don’t know is… A tiny coffin is in your future… 
One day you see blood in your urine and you immediately run to the hospital… Upon checking in they reassure you everything will be okay… But you know it won’t. You know you and your child will never walk out okay…
They examine you and tell you you’re 4 cms dilated. You are 22 weeks pregnant… A child can not survive outside the womb until 23… 

They tell you there is a slim to none chance you will make it to 23… They want to induce you and take the baby now… 

You fight them…
At 2:45 you deliver your son… He has a heartbeat and is considered alive… You get to hold him while they come in every 15 minutes until there is no longer a heartbeat 
You get to go home later that day. You even get to carry him with you… You pick out a tiny coffin… You bury him on top of your mother the same day….
Things you never want to learn about pregnancy.

Mia returns on a snowy day

She has been gone for quite some time now. It is the strangest thing how quickly she returns at times like these. As with any addiction, you may be able to recover from an eating disorder, but she will always be there lingering in the shadows. For some strange reason, the snow makes me exceptionally hungry. It wasn’t meant to turn into a binge, but then again it never does. I wake up to discover that I do not have to go to work. For most people, this is a marvelous occasion, but for a struggling server who depends on weekends for survival, it is simply maddening. My food supply is usually null. You cannot gorge yourself on food that you do not have… A simple Jedi mind trick, but I digress… I purchased food in preparation for winter storm Jonas, just as any good southerner would do. As I mentioned, the entrapment leaves me feeling famished… I am not sure why, but it does. I eat breakfast when I wake up at the bright and early hour of 1 pm… 2 Krispy Kreme donuts: a staple for any North Carolinian. I then fall back into bed with a really great book. I decided I need a snack… Ahhh What better than the leftover movie theater popcorn…. Still unsatisfied I sprint into the kitchen and make myself a corn dog. Just about this time, my boss informs me that we will be closed today… This is the beginning of my end… No work = no responsibilities which means I can wash down my lunch with some wine. Wine and I are interesting bedfellows. We have had some fond memories together, and some that I cannot remember. Wine does also have the tendency to turn me into Betty Crocker, which is hilarious because I am an awful cook. Today my inner Betty decides we should make fried pickles…. Technically baked… calm down children I am not actually brave enough to fry something. I am sitting in my living room floor stuffing my face with fried but not actually fried pickles and on my 3rd Tumblr of wine when she appears. I am busted. I am a failure. I have committed the ultimate sin, gluttony. Mia has shown up just when I needed her. Immediately the need to rid all of the calories arises. Mia guides me to the bathroom, where I can be completely alone with her. I will spare you the details of the purge, but it is marvelous. The best high I’ve ever known…

Unrequited love

 

Pino grigio kisses, each one more intoxicating than the next.

Teeth sink into my neck, leaving a mark that will stay with me after you’re gone.

How we ended up here is a mystery. Uncharted territory. Flesh intertwined.

The beginning of an unfortunate end.

The beginning

It is not uncommon to personify an eating disorder, although I have read that most people refer to their disease as a male. In my mind, Ana is very much female. Ana and I met when I was 13, and have been inseparable ever since. Anyone who says that love at first sight does not exist, has clearly never met Ana. I was introduced to Ana by a couple of mutual friends. They led me to believe that Ana would help me become a better person. Ana is the best liar you will ever meet, but by the time you realize she is full of bullshit, you will be too far gone.

Okay, perhaps I am being too harsh. There will definitely be times throughout the relationship when I was extremely grateful. Despite her flaws, you can’t question her loyalty. People will turn their backs on you, but Ana never will. In fact, even if you somehow manage to shut her out, she will always be waiting with arms wide open to welcome you back. Power and control are the two things she desires most, and she will stop at nothing to gain 

I guess I could make up some dramatic story right here. I could convince you that my family was very insensitive. I could tell you that they called me a fatso and lots of other  derogatory terms until my self esteem was completely shattered, but I cannot lie.  I had an incredible childhood. I was born into a great family with two loving parents who made sure their kids were provided for…. until my mom got sick.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 10. As shitty as it may be, the majority of my memories of her are accompanied with hospitals and cancer treatments. She lost her fight in 2006.  She taught me the importance of fighting for what you believe in. As soon as she left me I met Ana. Ana taught me that no matter what I lost, I could always have control with her. She neglected to tell me that I would actually be giving up all independence to her, and that I may never truly recover.

 

Erotica

Penatrating blue eyes stare at me over my job application. The man sitting before me could potentially be my employer and for some reason my mind has begun to slip into an inappropriate place. Who knew an interview could be so arousing? Would it really be so bad if we fucked right here on this very table? He’s staring at me again. Shit. I didn’t respond to his question. God he looks so delicious. Like that warm buttery popcorn behind us in the concession stand. If he were the popcorn I would devour the whole bag and then lick the sticky remains from my finger tips. The tie he is wearing would feel better if it was wrapped around my throat If only he would move push me to my knees and shove his cock down my throat. He clears his throat. Oops guess I dazed off again. “So you’ll start tomorrow”. I wouldn’t find out until months later that my shirt had perhaps been a little too low cut and he had been staring at my nipples throughout the whole interview.

Fisher

A fisher: that’s what they’ll call you. A pathetic excuse for a human being. Always looking for a compliment. The name seems so realistic, but yet so far from what I am. I never intended to be that girl. Fuck your compliments. They do not define me. I define me. I am nothing you see. Just me. I don’t know when or how I became so fragile. The inner self laughs at my dispare. I have never been the girl to rely upon others compliments, but yet that is what I have become. A wayward soul. Don’t get attached, but yet you still dare. Ha. Loner by choice. I think not.
Run before you are pushed away